Posted by ReMarkAble12 in Feb 12, 2010, under 1
Last night I had my friend Ralph over and he told me that just before he went to see me the father of his sisters boyfriend suddenly died. Things like that happen and it can be devastating for a family so it was really nice that the whole family came together for a brief moment to support each other. What this made me realize though is that I will never call Ralph up when my father dies to ask for comfort and support because I don’t have a ‘father’.
My father is still alive but it doesn’t feel like that for me, in my world I have a man that gave me a part of his gene pool and that’s about all I know or remember. The last pleasant memory I have is when I was about 8 years old teaching my little sister how to ride a bike. From then on there was the divorce and some awkward moments more than father/son moments. I have no doubt that he loves me as I am his son but I have never actually felt it. No my father did not die but he was never alive in my mind or in my world although physically he lives not more than a 15 minute drive from my home but for the last 15 years I have not had any contact with him other than swift glance at each other.
In that time I’ve grown from a boy in to a man and developed myself into the person I am now without the influence of a father figure other than that of the genes I also share with my three brothers and sister. Having a father around growing up has effect on a person on many levels but the same can be said about the absence of a father when growing up, I am very independent and I’ve had more freedom than most to develop my own set of beliefs and truths. I think that I have turned out quite well despite a less than easy youth and I can mostly thank myself for that.
I always try to look at the positive things that come out of difficult situations but of course there are moments where I really miss having a father around. Like when my friend got his first house and his father was there to help him with all the work on the floor and walls and I got this feeling like: this is how it should be! A really nice situation and I know I only noticed the importance of it because I myself knew I would have to do this on my own a year later. Sometimes I miss having the advice and life lessons that a father can teach you or the fact that I never had a man to man discussion with him.
A void in one part of your life always gets filled by something else and I can say I have three wonderful brothers and sister, my mom raised me well and sacrificed a lot in the process. She handled some very difficult times and always expressed her love for us. I’m lucky in so many ways with lovely family and friends, a good job and good health.
So I’m not angry or bitter towards my father because now that I’ve grown in to a man myself I know how tough life can be and how easy it is to make a ‘wrong’ decision. I would have loved it to be different but as they say: shit happens! I can’t imagine it being easy on him to lose a son and to not see him grow up… I myself hope to never have that happen to me and I will do anything and everything in my power to prevent it. My son or daughter will absolutely have loads of love and memories from their father and I will be by their side throughout their life until mine ends. I feel this stronger than someone would normally because of my own loss, so in a way because my father wasn’t there my kids will benefit Isn’t that a remarkably positive way to look at this?